Today was a tough day.
A day that had started this morning sunny, warm, and full of promise. Then, as the heavy storm clouds that loomed on the horizon rolled closer to blanket the city, they brought with them the heavy cloak of homesickness to blanket my heart. And I don’t get homesick for places so much as people. As the afternoon sky grew prematurely dark, all I could think about was how badly I missed my family, friends, the man I loved. How it felt like I could feel myself slipping out of their lives like the sunlight slipped out of the sky as I walked umbrella-less through the rain toward the train like the classic tragic hero (all I needed was a car to splash dirty gutter water on me and image would be complete). Feeling like the roll of thunder was the sound of my heart breaking apart. Staring at the floor of the subway, biting my lip to keep the lump in my throat from breaking into a sob, while the couple across from me lavished affection and kisses on each other. Knowing that I’d never do that on this train, in this city, with the man I’d left behind. That we’d likely never kiss again, because our lives and dreams had pulled us violently in opposite directions. Listening to a girl fight with her sister while I waited between trains and wishing I could at least see mine on something bigger than a laptop screen. Passing a dog waiting patiently outside the grocery store and desperately wishing mine would be wagging at home when I opened the door. Wanting to give my dad a hug. Aching to be near the people I cared about and knowing there was just no way. Wishing I was heading to the standard Thursday night girl’s night with a bottle of wine instead of to an empty and messy apartment that didn’t feel like home yet. Absently realizing that I had auto-piloted through the complex transit system that got me home even while lost in abject misery.
I knew that by doing this I was making a choice, and I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I knew that this was part of the package, giving up proximity to the people I love, and that the consequence was there would be days like these. I’ve even only just explained why distance from them makes me more appreciative of them. And perhaps that’s why today ended up the way it did, because I spent time reflecting on the people I love and why. I know that to keep these feelings from getting the best of me I need to face resolutely forward, and respect where I’ve been but keep backward glances to a minimum, for now. But it is so hard when there is so much behind you to love, and only small slivers here, so far. I know that this will pass, and I’ll be okay again by tomorrow. That I need to allow this feeling to wash over and out of me. And I also know that there is plenty ahead of me that’s waiting to be discovered, delighted in, fallen in love with, but today was a day that yesterday claimed.